These thoughts are triggered by the loss of a friend. 8 years today a beautiful young woman was taken from this place and I hope she knows that I still think of her. Howard’s facebook pretty much sums it up:

Even 8 years on, the thought that she is gone, still brings tears to my eyes.

Grandma left us a little after 9PM on Friday, September 12th. She died in her sleep, opting not to take that next breath.

In her last few days she continued to battle on, even though there was only one possible outcome. It was a bitter sweet day as everyone was sad to see her go but relieved that she did not have to battle the cancer any more.

The service was yesterday (September, 16th) and was conducted by one of Grandma’s best friends. Grandma had thought about the day and had left instructions about what she wanted. I can say that Betty did a wonderful job and I have no idea on how she kept it together.

Grandma, I will miss you.

First, I am not looking for sympathy – i just want to express myself and how I am currently feeling.

Anyone that knows me is aware of the fact that I grew up in Tasmania but I am currently working in Pennsylvania in the USA. This puts me a long way from home and even though I talk with family weekly, it still distances me from what is going on.

This is Grandma.. the one I remember from last Christmas (pic is actually a few months older than that but it serves the purpose):

This is Grandma.. from Saturday, September 6th:

Grandma has cancer, Grandma is dying. That is blunt but it is the truth. Nothing can change this.  Over the past few months it has been in the back of my mind everytime I see the blinking message light on my phone.. “Is this about Grandma?…. am I too late?”

Seeing Grandma on Saturday bought both tears and joy. Joy because she is still here, joy because of the smile on her face from seeing me, joy because I love Grandma and I would have regretted not being here in Tasmania to see her for the last time. It also bought tears. Tears because she is a shell of her former self, tears because she is so weak.

The grandma I remember was independent, alive. The grandma now cannot drink a glass of water without someone pouring it into her mouth. Grandma now cannot have a bite to eat without being hand fed.

She is in Palliative Care which means there are people around 24/7 to make sure she is comfortable. That is the main thing right now. For what time she has no one wants to see her in pain.

Grandma is still reasonably “with it”. Comparing Saturday to Sunday though, she is definitely fading “in and out” more. I was down there yesterday with Konrad (Grandma’s oldest Son) and the doctor came in. Once she had finished reviewing the charts I was left alone with Grandma for a few moments. Grandma asked me if the Doctor asked Konrad to talk to her outside but this was not the case. Obviously she knows what is going on.

I tried so, so so hard not to do this but then I had a teary in front of Grandma. I did not want her to see me cry but I could not hold it back. As we cuddled she told me she was ok and don’t worry.

So, thats how I am feeling right now…